What To Do When Your Kids Don’t Share Your Values
This is one of the most common questions I am asked at speaking events and obviously a significant concern for parents. The most important truth to understand is it is never too late. Life is full of stories of children returning to their family’s values - from the prodigal son to someone you know. Don’t lose hope. If you are a person of faith, continue to pray for wisdom, love, patience, and opportunities.
I want to start by pointing out some obvious realities that may not be obvious:-
- We are all unique
- We have an image of how we want our children to turn out, whether realistic or not, whether appropriate or not, whether we realize it or not
- Our children are unique and will vary from the image we have construed in our minds
- The more kids we have the greater the probabilities the values and beliefs throughout our kids will vary
The key is to focus on connecting with each child, in their world, simply for the sake of connecting. Love and support them unconditionally.
Don’t Dwell on the Past, Look to the Future
Your family is unique and is made up of unique members. As a result, there isn’t a one-size fits all process that you can use. You will need to identify a personalized journey. Start by answering the question “What would an ideal outcome be?” Answer this at a family level, and for each child. In the future, how do you want to be able to enjoy your relationships? Once you have your end destination on paper, look at what steps could be taken to get there. Recognize that reaching your ideal scenario will take time.
Be the catalyst for a future different than the past. Be willing to apologize for short comings if you haven’t done so yet. Be willing to do what it takes to connect. One dad, who hates the cold, became a snowboarder because that was his daughter’s interest. Your journey may involve professional help from a counsellor, family coach or legacy coach. You can’t give yourself perspective, so seek the help of others. I have received great insights, wisdom, tools, practical steps to take, and hope from the professionals in my life. This has been invaluable.
Connection is Paramount
Nothing happens without relationship. Our goal should be to spend time with our children to build a stronger connection and grow our relationship. Enter your child’s world and grow in your understanding of their values, interests, and preferences. Allow them to be themselves. At some level our child’s world differs from ours, perhaps drastically. Our priority is to love and support our children unconditionally even if their values and beliefs differ from ours. Do our kids know they are loved unconditionally simply because they are our children? Regardless of what they have done or have not done? Our children know where our values and beliefs differ from theirs. We don’t need to major, or minor, on our differences. Jesus was a great example of this. He spent a great deal of time with people who did not share his values or beliefs. However, He did not focus on their shortcomings, He left His world and spent time with others in their world. He accepted people where they were at. When we enter our kids’ worlds it communicates “I accept you”, “you have value in my eyes”, “I appreciate you”.
Love is spelled TIME. How can you spend time with your kids without an agenda, just being with them?
An Opportunity for Connection
Be careful with this one. If your child is not inspired by making a difference, leave this and pursue what they are interested in. Generosity, however, may be a place to find common ground. Learn what causes are important to your child and why. If you already involve your kids in your giving, allow them to allocate to causes that are important to them. If this is a new idea determine a baby step and see how it goes. Maybe it’s simply asking, “If you had $x to give to a worthy charitable cause or someone in need, what would you give to and why?” Helping them give to causes they are passionate about can be a rich route to learning about your child. Volunteering with your kids for causes important to them allows you to spend time with your kids, enjoy them in their world, and make a difference. Generosity is often a common ground you and your kids can share. We are wired to help those in need, helping invigorates us, it is a positive place to build positive memories.
This topic is a primary concern for parents. It will be a journey to go from where you are to where you want to be. It took time to get where you are, it will take time to get to a new destination. See progress as any movement up the relationship scale. The key is to focus on connecting with each child, in their world, simply for the sake of connecting. Love and support them unconditionally. Remember it is never too late to see progress.